There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
