i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
