im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
