First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
