I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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