When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Please don't give away my fajitas
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
