He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
