I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
