So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I don't deserve a penis
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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