there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
