i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
