the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
