everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
