...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
