dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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