Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
