well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
