nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
