You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
