I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
