every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
