4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
