is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
