He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
