I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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