oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
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so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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