im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
