I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
