apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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