I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
