He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
