i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Randomize
