Don't make out with my wife yet
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
