His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
