i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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