Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
