he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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