my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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