I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
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my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
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I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."