he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...