he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
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I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after