You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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