You made me cry and you don't even care
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
