dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
