It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
