I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Randomize
