Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...