i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"