Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.