So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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