Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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