it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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