i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
