I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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