First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
