I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
