I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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