i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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