I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
