so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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