Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
