I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
