I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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